


You're Not Sorry

by EzzyAlpha



Series: Sometimes all you can do is keep breathing [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate universe to an alternate universe, Angst, F/F, Sibling Incest, Sibling Love, The angstiest, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-04-26
Packaged: 2017-12-05 19:05:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/726857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzzyAlpha/pseuds/EzzyAlpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose Lalonde is 17 years old and lives in the shadow of her older sister, who she has been in love with for years. One day, the secret is revealed and Roxy pushes her away.</p><p>Rose now has to deal with her sister knowing how she feels about her, and continue to try and keep the secret from their mother.</p><p>(Alternate turn of events for Don't Be Sorry, in which Roxy doesn't like Rose back)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You're not happy

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Don't Be Sorry](https://archiveofourown.org/works/517475) by [EzzyAlpha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzzyAlpha/pseuds/EzzyAlpha). 



> Required Reading:
> 
> Don't Be Sorry - Prologue and 1st chapters.

There’s tears streaming down her face and her nose is dripping; she looks absolutely miserable and you have no idea what to do. She looks up at you, bright pink eyes filled with so much remorse and your heart is not just in pain, it’s combusting like lava, firing up your insides as every resentment you held towards her rise to your skin and you’re crying too, when did that happen. She sniffles loudly, a pained moan leaving her perfect lips and whispers:

“I’m sorry dad died and you had to be stuck with me and mom.”

You break down and you wail, dropping into her arms. She catches you easily and hugs you with force, and you’re crying into each other’s necks.

Her perfume is intoxicating and she’s so soft and warm, and all layers of animosity and antagonism melt away, leaving you basking in love and misery, but especially misery because you just want to love her and you can’t and now your lips are on hers.

She pushes you away and looks up at you, her lipstick barely smudged as her jaw drops and her eyes open as wide as possible in horror.

Your name is Rose Lalonde, you are 17 years old, you are in love with your own sister and you just made the biggest mistake of your life.

You’re frozen to the ground as Roxy stares at you horrified.

Why did you do that? Why the fuck would you do that?!  Everything was finally looking good and now you’ve gone and ruined everything, oh my god, she must hate you.

“Rose…Rose, why did you do that?”

You shake your head. You don’t know. You just went with the moment. Clearly, you are not as good at reading cues as you thought you were.

You take a step back and then another, soon you find yourself running out of the parking lot.

The city at this time is filled with people walking around. You easily blend in with the crowd.  You belatedly realize you left your bag in Roxy’s car. Shoving your hands into the pockets of your skirt, you regret not bringing a coat. You would be home by now on a normal day.

But it’s not a normal day; in fact, you doubt you’ll ever have a normal day again. The complacency of your life is soon going to be completely shattered. You wouldn’t be surprised if Roxy never spoke to you again. The small moments of sisterhood, where you felt so happy with her, will never happen again.

You remember when you were younger and sat on her lap when it was cold.

You remember the first time you beat her at a videogame.

You remember Christmas, and drawing together, and stealing snacks at midnight.

You stop walking and look around. You had long since stopped paying attention and the crowd that surrounded you is now gone. You somehow found your way to the one place you wish you would never return to.

Once it was just a place you two used to play in. A playground. Your mother used to work in the shop across the street (it closed for good a few years ago), while you were at school. You and Roxy would walk here afterwards and play here if she wasn’t able to go home yet.

A couple years ago, when you had an accident at school, your mother was pretty upset and you ended up running here to escape from home for a while. Just like now, you’re not sure why.

You think it might’ve been because there’s never anyone around anymore and it’s associated wholly with good things.

Once you got beat up at school. To be fair, it might’ve been your fault. A little. Kids that age just couldn’t appreciate your highbrow snark. And by snark you mean you might’ve insulted a few thugs, namely, you insulted their mothers.

It was hilarious and you’re sure that if they were a bit more intellectual, they would’ve found it as amusing as you did.

Okay, to be fully, honest you were a dick. Not even being a relatively small girl saved you from getting the ever living crap beat out of you. Roxy put bandages all over your wounds, while you sat on the swings and drank chocolate milk.

You sit on the very swing you sat on as a kid and just a couple of years ago. It’s small. You’re kind of scared it will break. You’re not exactly light and the whole park has rusted over with age.

There are small bounces; one is broken and lying sadly on the floor. The slide has a huge hole in the middle. The monkey bars look like they’re about to fall apart. The spiny thing, whatever that is called, looks like it is completely unable to spin with all the vegetation growing around it.

This used to be a really good playground, you think, reminiscing about times with your sister.

You start swinging weakly.

Things change you guess. And you doubt they will ever be the same again.

“Rose?”

Your head shots up. Without you noticing, the sun is setting.

Roxy stands in front of you, hands shoved in her pockets. Her eyes are red and puffy, eyeliner smudgy.

“What are you doing here?” you ask.

“You ran off. I didn’t know where you went but then I remembered the time with the chemistry lab and I thought you might be here.”

You let your head drop and stare at the ground.

“Why here?” she asks softly. You know she’s just trying to put off talking about the kiss but you answer anyway.

“Don’t you remember when mom worked at the store there.” You say, more of a statement than a question.

You know Roxy is looking around trying to remember.

“Oh! Oh. That was a long time ago…I’m surprise you still remember, you were really little. Kindergarten maybe.”

“Up to 2nd grade.”

You sit in silence.

“Geez, I can’t believe I forgot this place, everything’s coming back to-“

“Are we gonna discuss what happened or can we just go home. I want to read before dinner.”

“Rose…Why did you…”

You shake your head.

“It seemed appropriate at the time.”

“…How in the world would that seem appropriate?”

You shrug.

For once, you don’t know what to say.

“Are you mad?”

“I’m…Not happy.”

“Ah.”

“What…What are we going to do?”

“Go home, I guess.”

You look up at Roxy. She seems to be as lost as you but she doesn’t look like she’s going to disown you or beat you up or anything. You know she’s too good for that, but you were still afraid.

She’s not just your sister. She’s too good for you.

You should’ve known better than to ever entertain any hopes she would like you.

She opens her mouth to speak but doesn’t say anything, just turns around and walks towards the car. You get off the swing and follow her.

The ride home is silent.

-

It’s late at night. You’re not sure how late, your alarm clock has been broken for months. You search around for your cellphone. Old as it is, at least it makes a pretty good clock.

3 am.

You whine, rolling over. You haven’t been able to sleep all night, thinking about Roxy.

Not even “thinking” like you sometimes do, when the need is high and your room is dark.

You sit up, throwing your feet over the side of the bed.

The look in her eyes when she pushed you away. It was like she was hurt more than ever before.

It must be so terrible, to know your sister wants you.

You started crying without realizing. Or maybe you stopped crying without realizing and just realized when you started again.

You’ve done a lot of crying tonight.

You get up for a glass of water, a snack, anything to get your mind off her.

It’s a terrible thing to love someone you will never be with.

You close your bedroom door quietly behind you.

The door to Roxy’s bedroom is opened a crack. There’s light coming out. You assume she’s playing some dumb game. You swallow dry and head for the stairs.

“Rose.”

You stop on your tracks.

“Roooose. Come’re.”

Oh no.

She’s drunk.

You walk back to her room. She lying on the floor, surrounded by bottles, a lopsided grin on her face. The whole room smells like booze.

“Rosieee!”

The petname causes your heart to throb violently and you wonder if it’s possible to die of heartbreak.

“Come here, Rosie.”

“I am here.”

“Noo, closer.”

She sits up, still grinning. Her television is on behind, flashing some game over screen from a game you don’t recognize, but looks fairly old.

You tentatively take a few steps forward, avoiding stepping on any bottles. You stand in front of her as she pats the floor next to her. You sit down on the fluffy carpet, trying to look anywhere but her.

“We…Need to talk, Rosie.”

You try to curl into yourself. You want to disappear right now.

“I love you.”

Your eyes shot up.

“But…Not like that.”

Oh. Of course not.

You let your gaze return to the ground. You’re not sure of what to do so you do nothing.

You gasp as her arms surround you and pull you down.

You’ve somehow managed to end up lying on the floor in her embrace. It’s very awkward. At least the carpet is comfy.

“Roxy, what…Roxy?”

A loud snore is your only response.

You roll your eyes in exasperation.

“You have to be kidding me. You can’t just…Hug me and fall asleep, you…”

She looks happy when she’s sleeping. You’re guessing that’s the booze.

You blink a few times and attempt to move. She’s holding on pretty tight…You don’t really want to wake her or anything…Maybe you should just…

You let yourself stay. You’ll cherish the moment and go back to your room in the morning.

After all, you doubt you’ll get any more of these moments soon.


	2. You're Not Staying

You wake up on the floor, cold and alone. It's a pretty good metaphor for your life.

Unfortunately it is also literal.

Roxy is long gone, taking her heat with her. You take a look around the room, hoping to at least find out where she had wandered off to. But you suppose that after waking with you in her arms, given yesterday's confrontation, she wouldn't exactly be that considering. In fact, you wonder if she even wants to be your sister anymore. You wouldn't be surprised if she disowned you.

But...She did say she loved you, didn't she? She's...Your sister. She loves you.

You nod to yourself. She loves you. Even if it isn't in the way you want, she loves you. You're lucky to even have that.

You sit up and look at the cat shaped clock on the wall.

Oh.

You scramble to your feet and dash out of Roxy's room into your own, taking off your pajama shirt. You kick the door close and jump out of your pants, scrambling to find where you shoved your bra last night. You manage to get your clothes on, a loose blouse over a v-neck black shirt and a violet pleated skirt. You can't find your headband so you just leave without it. All in all, you probably aren't looking that great but you couldn't care less.

You dash down the stairs into the kitchen. You expect to see your mother scowl at you and make a quip about your looks over coffee, but instead your sister is bent over the stove. She's trying to scramble eggs apparently. She looks over at you but hits her head on the cabinet above. You can't help but giggle. She inspects you for a second and smiles. On a closer look, she is obviously hungover. The bloodshot of her eyes and the dark marks underneath them are enough to betray it. She dumps the eggs on a bread roll and hands it to you.

"Here. Eat up. Don't worry, I'll drive you to school. I was actually going to let you sleep a little longer."

"You're being awfully nice to me."

She blinks and looks downwards. "I'm your sister. That's what I'm supposed to do, right?"

You stay silent.

She nudges the plate towards you and you grab it. It smells nice. You never thought your sister was a good cook but you suppose living on her own meant learning something. You sit down at the table and take a bite. Something crosses your mind as you chew slowly.

"Where's mom?"

"She had to leave for work early."

"Oh."

You continue to nibble on your food. Roxy is quieter than usual, a lot quieter but she also seems softer. There's no yelling or excited chattering... It's not exactly a good thing. You look at her. She's sipping her coffee, a concentrated expression on her face. You like her when she's like this. There's a small crease on her brow that appears when she focuses really hard and her eyes look sharp. She pouts slightly and sometimes her tongue darts between her lips and you realize she has noticed you staring so your eyes drop to your plate and you shove eggs into your mouth.

Who are you even trying to fool, acting all normally.

Things will never be normal again, no matter what you want or what she says. Even if things could go back to normal, you would still be in pain. It's not like you could stop loving her and just be a good sister instead of having these vile, disgusting feelings. You do nothing but be a burden to her and now you've just made things worse. You are absolutely useless.

"Rose?"

You look up at her in alarm. She's staring at you, brow crinkled in that way you like, her eyes searching your faces.

"You're looking a little pale."

You open your mouth but are unable to say anything so you just drop your head. Her hand is now on your forehead and you look up alarmed. You blink a few times.

"You..." she mutters. She opens her mouth but immediately closes it and shakes her head.

"You're a little warm."

"I feel fine." you say. What is she even trying to do.

"Go back to bed, Rose."

"I was not in bed to begin with."

She rolls her eyes.

"I'll tell mom you were really ill. Just go. I think you could use the day off."

You don't know how to protest. So you don't.

-

You really need to paint the ceiling. You wonder if you begged your mother would agree.

Perhaps if you payed for it out of your allowance.

Those cats are really getting on your nerves. Their painted, dead eyes,staring back at you, everyday.

You shudder.

You roll over and stare at your closet and mirror instead. You don't look sick. You look like you've been crying a lot which isn't exactly untrue.

You roll over again, staring at your window, and sigh. Roxy is attempting to pamper you because she knows you're miserable. You have no idea what to think of this but none of the possibilities are positive.

You roll to your stomach and cover your head with a pillow to muffle your own screaming. This is infuriating. Why can't she just hate you already? Why does she have to be NICE to you? Everything would be a lot easier if she was just fucking gone instead of trying to be your friend.

You leap out of bed and pace around, slicking back your hair with both hands. You grab a book and try to read, but you can't focus on anything so you give up and lie on the ground face down.

"Rose?"

You turn your head to look at Roxy, standing on the doorway looking confused.

"What are you doing?"

"...I don't know. I have nothing to do."

She's staring at you, oh my god, what do you do.

You sit up and stare awkwardly.

Roxy opens her mouth to speak but shakes her head and walks out, closing the door behind her.

You sigh. She must think you're insane.

You lean back against the wall and hug your knees. Then again, you somewhat are. Your mental faculties are not quite up to par, besides being mostly useless.

Your family would be better off without you.

Roxy walks back into the close in a rush, carrying something big and clunky she sets on your TV. You stare at her confused as she starts setting up her old DVD player.

"What are you..."

"I told you might like to watch a movie or something!"

"Right."

She finishes plugging in anything and takes a step back.

"That should work. What do you want to watch?"

"Uh. Nothing. In particular."

"I'll just bring over a bunch of things I think you'd like."

"Right."

-

Roxy's suggestions ended up being right up your alley and you stayed in bed for hours. You wake up the next day, the menu of a documentary on the Salem Witch Hunts on your TV and a little (too much) light streaming through your curtains. You don't feel terrible, surprisingly.

You rub your eyes and climb out of bed. It's Saturday isn't it? You walk down the stairs, woobling slightly. Spending the whole day in bed can't be good for your muscles.

Unfortunately, when you reach the kitchen, you see your mother rather than Roxy. You sigh slightly and head for the fridge.

"Good morning. Are you feeling better?" she askes in that disinterested tone you know so well.

"Morning. yes." you reply, opening the fridge. You frown and walk to the pantry.

"Try not to miss more school."

"Okay. We're out of milk."

You grab a box of cereal and some yogurt from the fridge and go back upstairs. You hear your mother sigh loudly and roll your eyes.

You sit on your bed with the cereal and yogurt, looking confused. You walk back down, pick up a spoon, and look at your mother.

"Where's Roxy?"

"She went back to her college for the weekend, she needs to set things up to return to her studies."

Your mind goes blank and you're left staring at your mother, holding a small spoon. The situation would probably be amusing to an outsider looking at it.

"Rose?"

"Oh. Right. I apologize, I was just spacing out."

You walk back upstairs and into your room.

You drop your spoon on the bed and sit down, staring at the wall.

She's going back to school. And you won't see her for months.

She didn't want to go back to school, at least not the last time you spoke to her about it. Shewas going to take a break, she was tired of studying, you...

This is your fault.

She doesn't want to be near you anymore.

Why would she? After all, you went and kissed her. Your own sister.

You...You're just...

Disgusting.

Useless.

Just a terrible person in general. No wonder your sister doesn't want to be near you anymore.

Your mother calls you for lunch but you don't even listen. You just stay and stare at the cat pictures on your ceiling.  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops, my hand slipped. I swear, I was trying to write something completely different!
> 
> Alternate universe to an alternate universe. Fanfiction~


End file.
